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A letter to my first


Before you, I have had more relationships than you will ever know. And as you have read that first line, you might be wondering already if the title of this article is right. But let’s skip that for now. Let me tell you some things first I want you to know.

As a kid, I already had felt the love one could get from a mother, a father, a sister, and a brother. I have been blessed with a family that is complete, one that not everyone gets to have. Our relationship is constant, but there have been ups and downs along the way. The biggest heartbreak of all was seeing my two sisters and brother leave to pursue higher education in the city. It was then I felt most alone. Though I have my parents with me, there are times when they are at work that I have no one to spend the time with as I go home. All I was left to do was either read some books or watch some television shows. And when I thought that that was all the pain I could get, I was faced by another predicament. We were evicted from the government owned house that we were renting, forcing me to stay at a boarding house. The space was small that either my mom or dad stays with me and the other one goes home to our house located in another municipality. Already losing touch with my siblings, I have to face the fact of not having the time anymore to be with my mom and dad together as I go home from school on weekdays. Yet as these events came to happen, the relationship we had for each other never ceased as the love we had for each other is still there no matter how far we have been separated for numerous times.

As a teenager, there have been a lot of pressures. I was challenged academically, trying to constantly prove that I am one worthy of being called a great son, and for some time I have been teased for being such a fat-ass or bullied for whatever reason they hold for doing so. Come to think of it. My problems back then were like too small but it was then that I found this other kind of love. It is the love from God. Many times I have already cursed Him for all the bad things that have been happening to my life. Yet, one by one, He answered me through such events I can never explain. He made me understand all the things that have been happening. He made me realize that it is all part of His great plans for me, that such things happen because He wanted to make me better, He wanted to make me stronger, He wanted me to share the love that He has shown me. Until today, He answers all my prayers. Although no words are spoken, His actions speak of it and I can surely feel it within.

As I felt the love from the Heavenly, I was also blessed with the love one could get from his friends, and more so from a best friend that soon I treated like my little brother (even if I was actually younger than him). Knowing him at first, he was a bully I thought or one of the bad guys at school in general. Though my perception of him changed the moment he questioned my integrity. He said how could I betray him when he gave his trust to me, that I broke the deal we just made. It was just a simple agreement that we made on something but it was in those moments that I realized that I have had some serious trust issues with people. But on top of that, it was during those times it came to my senses that even bad guys do have a good side and he showed me that. In some way, he taught me how to just let my guard down, believe in others, and trust that they will not hurt me. However, that’s not all I learned from him. There are a lot more that can never be put into words. The only thing I could say is that even if we meet only a few times in a year, the bond we have still is there up until now. Whenever we meet, it was just like yesterday when we last saw each other like nothing has changed except the challenges we face as we are getting older.

Apart from the love one could get from a friend, it was during my college years that I’ve had this mutual feelings that they call for someone. We were open to each other. We talked about our childhood, life growing up, and such experiences we have been through so far. We bonded so greatly that I thought for sure she is the one I will marry someday. So we skipped pass the courting stage and she took the initiative of asking me whether we can make our relationship official. Naive I was, I said yes. Soon as days passed, I learned to be more open to her, not just anymore as a friend but someone I look forward to growing old with. Yet as perfect as it may be, soon it just came to an end. I was badly hurt that instead of looking for reasons why, I just focused on my studies. I have to admit that I have been bitter towards her for sometime and to the idea of love itself. I had experienced having some mutual feelings with others even after her but because I was afraid to get hurt again, I have just let all those new chances slip away. It took me years until that one moment came when acceptance and forgiveness just suddenly knocked down my door. There was some pain left yet but somehow it all just soon came to vanish as we made amends. Truly, it was then that I learned that we can never just run away from the past so easily. Sometimes, we just have to face what hurts us one more time and end it the right way rather than constantly ignoring it.

Years after, I found someone again who I thought was really the one. I took that risk once more of letting my heart be put in the battlefield called love. I gave most of my time and attention just so to prove my dedication. Too good it may seem that it has born some fruits, the ending didn’t turn out like how a fairy tale goes. This was the relationship that you call as unreciprocated love. I gave too much that I got left with an empty heart, left alone to die or so I could imagine. It is a living testament that no matter how good we do to others, it can all just be taken for granted. You can never expect anyone to really appreciate the good deeds you do towards them when they really are not just into you. It was painful, I tell you. My heart was crushed that it has left me in despair for a far longer time than ever. I always say I have already moved on but every time I remember what happened, I could not help but just become sad in an instant. I tried to divert it into other activities yet it was just like an escape from reality. Soon, I have then learned to give time for myself, to see my worth as a person, and what I really do deserve. I gave myself the love I never gave before. I was so hooked up with the idea of having someone complete my life when my life has been actually complete the whole time. Though the road has been rough for some time, I have finally came to realize that some people were not just really meant for us, that they are just there to teach us a lesson so that when the right person comes, we are finally prepared to face whatever challenges life has to offer.

Having said all those, you might be wondering why I am telling you that you are my first. Well, hear this out. You are the first person I will love after experiencing these relationships, relationships that involves the love that a family can offer which has made me realize that love never ceases no matter the distance, the love from God which has taught me that even if no words are spoken such actions speak of it, the love you can have from a friend which has made me learn to let go and just trust in others, the love from a better half or so I thought which has taught me that acceptance and forgiveness is essential in moving on, and finally the love that I could give myself which has let me know that I am already complete even before I dive into any relationship.

From this part on, I just want you to know that I am more than ready to walk the path of uncertainties together with you by my side no matter how far we get separated because I know that our actions will forever speak of it, and we just have to trust each other knowing that we have already accepted and forgave all those who have hurt us before, and that we are already complete as a person.

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Categories: LoveTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 comments

  1. I have a lot to say about this…. but never mind 🤣🤣🤣 Related to the college part and the part of finding the one “again”. 😂😂😂 So funny how our experiences mirror others. BTW, unlike you, my college “sweetheart” and I never became official. Hahaha

    Liked by 1 person

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